Co-habiting versus No-habiting
Okay I might have to admit it: my mum was right! Imagine
admitting that. She was right about a lot of things; however, the one really
big right was having your own home and own space is bliss. You may wonder where
this has come from, well today I was having a discussion with some of the chaps
at work who were discussing why women want men to move in so fast. I listened
to their assumptions and then heard them say: ‘well they like you being there.
They love feeling safe and things get fixed.’ One of the men who has been in a
long term relationship said, ‘oh I am glad I moved in because it is so nice to
have your washing done and not have to clean the toilet. If you hold out long
enough then they will always clean the toilet because you will never do it quick enough
or to their liking.’
I sat quietly taking it all in. Of course I made a few remarks about the ‘jobs
list and nagging. They all muttered ‘ahhh jobs lists…’ they all were on the end
of that little ditty. My favourite moment was when one chap even admitted to
hoovering up his partner’s bra so that he did not have to do the vacuuming
anymore. I would say that was
innovative; I would have accidentally nailed his pants to his shed to see how
he liked that, but that is just me.
So then this made me wonder why people move in together. The
general consensus among the chaps was that it was more cost efficient, that you
share bills and be with each other without having to date. At that moment a
huge ‘nah ahhhh’ came from my mouth. For these men moving in is the end of
dating. The romance period and the woooooooing time simply evaporates. So why would anyone want to move in fast?
Surely the best part of dating is being on dates, getting to know each other
rather than cleaning their dirty pants or skid marks. Also everything in our society
is so fast paced, you have instant apps for instant relationships which result
in instantly moving in. There is no time for the enjoyment or real maturing time for the foundation of a proper relationship. For a short while I resembled
sucking a lemon while I contemplated the co-habiting no-habiting dynamic
because a few of my friends have recently rid themselves of chaps for the very
reason that their men did not contribute to house work or took the house being
clean for granted. At first their partners were on good behaviour but over time their
effort dissipated leaving the women frustrated. My female friends said why,
when they work full time, should they take care of someone else who made no effort?
They could re-focus their energy into looking after themselves. It was a good point.
I recently met up with a wonderful friend who loves her
partner dearly and was concerned because she thought she was about to have her
third child and had to explain to her partner that if she had a third child she
would need a cleaner or some kind of domestic help.
‘Why do you need that when the
house is always clean and tidy?’ he asked.
Her response: ‘darling it is
because I always fucking tidy it and look after the kids all day. It isn’t the
fucking cleaning fairies darling’, said in a tone resembling aggravation.
He seemed completely unaware that his washing found itself
into the drawer and the sheets were cleaned and changed because she had done
the washing. I remember sitting listening to all these conversations and
thinking thank goodness I have my own place, my own space and my own way.
I then chatted to a couple of my other male colleagues who
did not get terribly involved in the original conversation, they admitted they
liked doing the cooking and took turns cleaning the toilets because their wives
worked too. They had decided when they entered the partnership that they were a
team and as a team they had to split the chores. I have to say when they said
this I wanted to cuddle them both. They then said to me honestly – ‘stay living
on your own as long as possible because it is bliss.’ Both had lived alone for
a couple of years before they settled down. I asked why that was. Their reply was the
following: ‘you can do what you want when you want. You don’t have to deal with
habits. You have no one to argue with. You have a whole bed to yourself. You
don’t have to ‘do’ things or consider what someone else wants you to do. There
are no lists. There is half the amount of washing and you can leave sheets and
cleaning as long as you like. All the mess is yours and you can cook and eat
what and when you fancy… Oh and the biggest one: no morning breath or snoring.
I could see all the benefits. However, the grass is always greener on the other
side. My response was well what about a cuddle when you feel like it? What
about affection on the sofa. What if you are being nuts and need an objective
opinion rather than just churn thoughts? What about waking up next to someone
you love? What about having your dinner cooked for you? As with all things
there are pluses and minuses. However, of late, all the relationships that I
have known have broken up because the women have had enough of looking after
their partner or their partners have cheated on them. They say they would rather
be alone than have to look after someone who either looks elsewhere or does not
contribute. This made me wonder about the future of co-habiting. If women
develop complete financial independence then what will happen? What happens
when there is no need to live with someone? This made me realise that for me
no-habiting is the way forwards. Two people have their own places, their own
spaces and enjoy the fun of dating and romance without a dirty toilet to
generate conflict.
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