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CHAPTER 2
Morning Eva,
I have the
theme music to jaws playing through my mind as your cleavage penetrates the bleary-eyed
vision of all the workers arriving into the early morning office. All the
unsuspecting men will be bam-boobled by the Russian rack as it aggressively
invades the vision of the whole office floor. Good on you! You are using your
breasts to take your power back. You do make me laugh. I would never have the
‘boosooka balls’ to do that.
In the
meantime, my news is that I managed to destroy half of the supermarket by
mistake today. The ghost of diet hell past was standing in a neighbouring isle
and I jumped backwards with one of those small children’s chocolates concealed
in my hand. In doing so my gym bag hit the first olive oil bottle and toppled
the rest of the shelf like dominoes. In the end some mayonnaise erupted all
over the floor right beside her. Of course she thought it was her and had no
clue of my isle lurking and desperate dashing to avoid yet another dull diet
conversation. I really do not need to hear another insight into which part of
her body is carrying an extra pound! In a strange way I was quite astounded by how
well orchestrated my unintentional distraction technique was.
Anyway, while
mayonnaise erupted around her, I darted to the self-service till for my twenty
pence chocolate. While I paid I could hear endless apology coming from her.
When I glanced over my shoulder it turns out that after the mayonnaise crashed
beside her, she then jumped backwards and annihilated the special offer
chocolate display at the end of the isle. There she was sitting on a pile of
chocolate. A few of the chocolate balls burst from their packet and melted onto
her works’ trousers. Oh God I felt guilty but could not go over and explain so made
a getaway. I do feel a bit of a bitch and a coward, but I could hardly go over
and say I was hiding with a kiddy bar of chocolate and accidentally toppled the
top shelf. Oh and I am sorry but it looks like you shit yourself.
I really do not
understand how these situations find me. I could not plan such a destructive
force. It is strange how cause and effect works. So the ghost of diet hell past
not only thinks she destroyed the area but it looked like she shat herself. I
hope that does not make her comfort eat... Bloody hell, the more I practice
being classy and elegant the more I seem to innocently annihilate the whole
area! The other day I was doing my best to be graceful and walked into a
folding door and crushed myself. Try reversing out of one of those into a busy
high street without looking a complete dick. Such ‘styling out’ of clumsy
situations is a talent never to be underestimated! Anyway, apparently my
linguistic skill and description is a little crass so I will have to tailor my
wording accordingly. If I am to date a man of class I should say that I did not
wish to come across as a public penile calamity. That would provide a classier
insight into feeling publically humiliated to the point of resembling a phallus!
So how has the
Russian rack parade gone down in your office this morning? I am sure there is
going to be gossip! No wonder the grey-knicker parade are always on your case!
Gracie.
Dear Gracie,
Bosoms now defy gravity like helium
balloon. Men in office smile and smile and women look at me with eyes that
wound with resentment. Envy is such a sad state of affairs. The more I flaunt
bosom the more enemies I make. The snake has eyed me with contempt. Her breasts
are close to her waist from feeding her fat baby, so no doubt she will begin
hissing with the bulky bottom brigade.
The men’s eyes are alight and they mutter
under their breath as I pass by. This makes me happy because when woman look
after breast she has power. Power in pert breast - that is why one must invest
in breast to come out best. See now Russian is poet of the breast kind! This
will make you laugh - my manager took me aside and ask what I thought I was doing.
I responded – I am not wearing make-up so will spend less time in toilet. I did
this to make you happy. This has confused her. Then she said ‘what about
those?’ and glanced at the clever age beneath my chin. I smiled and said, ‘this
will take attention away from face so that people do not notice no make-up. Win!
Win!’ La la laaaaaaaaaaaa!
I have been watching my manger, she does
not know how to respond to me. I know that she does not like me. Not many women
do. They see me as competition. You are different because you are not girlie
girl. You are more Amazonian which means we have very different style so do not
have to compete. If you were petite and blonde, I doubt we would be friends.
So today I have had a lot of smiling men
coming to desk for stationary. Five pencils, one rubber and a pencil sharpener
request. See what happens when grey-knicker manager take out issues on me. I
hate people controlling me – it always causes rebellion. The thing is she
create big bosom issue. I love it...
Every time a man passes by she is making loud angry sound. Jealousy is
not an attractive feature for a woman, especially one of the grey-knicker kind!
Oh and I feel sad for the ghost of diet
hell past. You should have said something! I know her obsessive dieting makes
regular haunting but leaving her with chocolate on trousers is unkind!
Oh and anything from rich men?
Eva
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