To Listen on audio:
The paperback on Amazon:
I have the theme music to jaws playing through my mind as your cleavage penetrates the bleary-eyed vision of all the workers arriving into the early morning office. All the unsuspecting men will be bam-boobled by the Russian rack as it aggressively invades the vision of the whole office floor. Good on you! You are using your breasts to take your power back. You do make me laugh. I would never have the ‘boosooka balls’ to do that.
In the meantime, my news is that I managed to destroy half of the supermarket by mistake today. The ghost of diet hell past was standing in a neighbouring isle and I jumped backwards with one of those small children’s chocolates concealed in my hand. In doing so my gym bag hit the first olive oil bottle and toppled the rest of the shelf like dominoes. In the end some mayonnaise erupted all over the floor right beside her. Of course she thought it was her and had no clue of my isle lurking and desperate dashing to avoid yet another dull diet conversation. I really do not need to hear another insight into which part of her body is carrying an extra pound! In a strange way I was quite astounded by how well orchestrated my unintentional distraction technique was.
Anyway, while mayonnaise erupted around her, I darted to the self-service till for my twenty pence chocolate. While I paid I could hear endless apology coming from her. When I glanced over my shoulder it turns out that after the mayonnaise crashed beside her, she then jumped backwards and annihilated the special offer chocolate display at the end of the isle. There she was sitting on a pile of chocolate. A few of the chocolate balls burst from their packet and melted onto her works’ trousers. Oh God I felt guilty but could not go over and explain so made a getaway. I do feel a bit of a bitch and a coward, but I could hardly go over and say I was hiding with a kiddy bar of chocolate and accidentally toppled the top shelf. Oh and I am sorry but it looks like you shit yourself.
I really do not understand how these situations find me. I could not plan such a destructive force. It is strange how cause and effect works. So the ghost of diet hell past not only thinks she destroyed the area but it looked like she shat herself. I hope that does not make her comfort eat... Bloody hell, the more I practice being classy and elegant the more I seem to innocently annihilate the whole area! The other day I was doing my best to be graceful and walked into a folding door and crushed myself. Try reversing out of one of those into a busy high street without looking a complete dick. Such ‘styling out’ of clumsy situations is a talent never to be underestimated! Anyway, apparently my linguistic skill and description is a little crass so I will have to tailor my wording accordingly. If I am to date a man of class I should say that I did not wish to come across as a public penile calamity. That would provide a classier insight into feeling publically humiliated to the point of resembling a phallus!
So how has the Russian rack parade gone down in your office this morning? I am sure there is going to be gossip! No wonder the grey-knicker parade are always on your case!
Bosoms now defy gravity like helium balloon. Men in office smile and smile and women look at me with eyes that wound with resentment. Envy is such a sad state of affairs. The more I flaunt bosom the more enemies I make. The snake has eyed me with contempt. Her breasts are close to her waist from feeding her fat baby, so no doubt she will begin hissing with the bulky bottom brigade.
The men’s eyes are alight and they mutter under their breath as I pass by. This makes me happy because when woman look after breast she has power. Power in pert breast - that is why one must invest in breast to come out best. See now Russian is poet of the breast kind! This will make you laugh - my manager took me aside and ask what I thought I was doing. I responded – I am not wearing make-up so will spend less time in toilet. I did this to make you happy. This has confused her. Then she said ‘what about those?’ and glanced at the clever age beneath my chin. I smiled and said, ‘this will take attention away from face so that people do not notice no make-up. Win! Win!’ La la laaaaaaaaaaaa!
I have been watching my manger, she does not know how to respond to me. I know that she does not like me. Not many women do. They see me as competition. You are different because you are not girlie girl. You are more Amazonian which means we have very different style so do not have to compete. If you were petite and blonde, I doubt we would be friends.
So today I have had a lot of smiling men coming to desk for stationary. Five pencils, one rubber and a pencil sharpener request. See what happens when grey-knicker manager take out issues on me. I hate people controlling me – it always causes rebellion. The thing is she create big bosom issue. I love it... Every time a man passes by she is making loud angry sound. Jealousy is not an attractive feature for a woman, especially one of the grey-knicker kind!
Oh and I feel sad for the ghost of diet hell past. You should have said something! I know her obsessive dieting makes regular haunting but leaving her with chocolate on trousers is unkind!
Oh and anything from rich men?
To Listen on audio:
To Listen on audio: