The Green Eyed Monster
I often wonder why jealousy exists. It is such a strange
emotion and complex to say the least. My reason to explore this is because one
of my best male friends was recently consumed with jealousy. It was triggered
when we were down on the beach and he noticed how many couples there were in a
state of loved-up bliss. He had recently split up with his ex who had pretty
quickly moved on to his friend. Not surprisingly he was a little raw. He then
sat and openly admitted he was jealous of all the happy couples. He then said, ‘do
you think they are really happy?’
I was a little perplexed to say the least. Just because he
did not have the perfect relationship he began to undermine other people’s
appearance of happiness. My response was ‘I hope they all are happy because
that means that I can have that too. Their happiness or lack of happiness is
nothing to do with me.’ In that moment my friend had a terrible ‘shattering’
realisation. ‘I’m bitter aren’t I?’
‘You
are still healing after a break-up.’
He looked mortified and then confessed that he gets jealous
about a lot of things:
People who have it easy.
People who don’t have to work.
People in effortless relationships.
People with huge houses.
The list went on. This jealousy thing sat with me for a
while and I asked my work colleagues about the different kinds of jealousy they
experience. There was plenty of it in relation to pay packets, hierarchy,
promotions and when others succeed. In truth, I don’t really have that emotion,
or so I thought. I then saw my ex with a really hot woman who had similar
attributes to me – but she was ten years younger and I had a pang. So there it
was – jealousy – he had moved on and I considered myself ‘free’. Yet something
had triggered in my heart. This then got me thinking. What was it that
triggered the jealousy and what is it that stops a feeling of jealousy?
For me, jealousy is based on either a fear or a comparison.
Think about how siblings become jealous when one is shown more attention or
given something that the other has not received. Some of my female friends become jealous when
another friend attracts a high class man or receives a gift. My male friends
have pointed out that they feel jealous when another chap buys a nice car or
house. Others become jealous over how much time friends spend with each other. Others became jealous when their spouses or
other halves flirted or just talked with other women or men. I also had a
number of accounts of how jealousy destroyed relationships. When the green eyed
monster reared its head, it resulted in controlling behaviour and emotional
outbursts. After a while the partner could not tolerate the controlling
tantrums anymore. This then led me to think that jealousy comes from the fear
of loss or a sense of lack of power. It also comes from a lack of self-esteem.
If the individual felt good enough, then surely they would be so content in
themselves that they would not need to grow jealous. So the question is how can
it be overcome?
This is what I came up with and I hope it will help.
Before going any further it is worth looking at one’s
self-esteem and working on that first. The book Self-esteem by Caroline Myss is
amazing!
Next:
1)
Recognise when you feel jealous. What is the
specific aspect that triggered it? What are you actually jealous of?
2)
Are you comparing yourself? Do you fear the loss
of something?
3)
If you were completely empowered and were in
your best self what would you say to yourself?
4)
What is the core belief? Is it – I can’t have… I
am not good enough to… I fear the loss of…
5)
Identify that core belief and write it down.
Now, and this might make you feel sick, affirm the opposite. So for example I
am jealous because I haven’t met my perfect partner can be transformed to ‘I am
lovable and I effortless attract my perfect partner…’ According to EFT, you are
able to cancel out the negative with the positive. It does not mean that your
ideal partner will miraculously appear, however, it will adjust your belief to
make it possible.
6)
Become aware that the trigger of jealousy is
clever because it makes you aware of what you really want.
7)
Pay attention to similar feelings of jealousy
and record the details of the jealousy and affirm the opposite until you feel
free of that belief.
After sitting with this jealousy for a few weeks and paying
attention, I came to the conclusion that there is a benefit to jealousy if it
can be viewed objectively. It is a trigger to recognise what you really want.
It also reveals when you are not in your ‘best state’ because ultimately if you
were feeling wonderful about life and yourself then you would not see or notice
anything that would make you jealous. Your mental focus would be noticing
positive situations.
