Self-esteem and true confidence.
Have you ever considered what gives a person true confidence
and a sense of self-esteem? I am not talking about the type who have external
bravado, where someone appears, instead the type of self-esteem I am referring to
is where there is a certain glowing presence emanating from the person. In fact these people ‘feel’ so present and unshakable.
They are like the solid oak trees who feel so rooted in themselves and definite
that nothing will phase or sway them.
The reason I have been thinking about the subject was a
little while ago I had some very complex work that I had to complete with a mass
of formulae and inter-linked calculations. It was so complex that I could
barely explain how I had come to the final figures to my colleagues, let alone
have anyone check what I had created. This took me into a state of uncertainty
because it meant I had reverse everything that I had calculated to see if I
returned to the origin. Again there was no one who could provide approval or
tell me I had made the right calculation. Now that was it… that was the key
word ‘approval’. For some reason I had a sense of doubt about what I had created
and was searching for someone externally to approve of my calculations.
On the day when I had to hand in the calculations there was webinar
all about confidence. While I reversed my calculations simultaneously and
cross-checked I watched/listened intermittently to the webinar. It was quite
profound because at one point I was staring at the figures and the woman being
interviewed said ‘sometimes we just have to have confidence in what we have
created and let it go.’ At times like that you wonder whether you are on a big
brother show. Needless to say, I handed in the work but considered what true
confidence and self-esteem really were. This took me on a series of tenuous
thoughts about approval, where people search for approval and what happens when
we don’t receive approval. In truth,
these thoughts haunted me. I observed people and their behaviours in attempt to
work out who had self-esteem and who didn’t. I particularly liked bar
observation in the ‘mating’ dynamics of who is attracted to whom; who is
punching above their weight and what people do to gain attention? Bottoms
hanging below skirt lines suggested low self-esteem along with bosoms that were
directed to the ceiling. What made it most fascinating were the women who did
not need to flaunt, instead carried a self-assured presence. ‘Something about
them,’ magnetised people. It was the same with certain chaps, they had a stance
and a sense of self-reliability – a definite presence. It was not false or
manufactured.
In every case it was not about how they looked, it was about
who they were. Think about it – we all have internal and external worlds. I
talk about this a lot when I teach creative writing. The internal world is
often completely different, almost the polarity of the external world. So many
people expend huge amounts of energy appearing to be that which they are not
whilst suppressing that which they are or don’t really like. Why don’t they
like that part, their shadow? It is because at some point someone did not
approve of it.
So with all these thoughts I wondered what a person would be
like if they did not need other people to approve of them. How free would they
be? Imagine you had a dream and you wanted to really make it happen yet you
shared it with someone and they said it was rubbish. What would you do? Would
you believe their opinion was right over yours? This is where true self-esteem
comes in. You would not care what the other person thought. So that then made
me ask the question – how do we arrive at that point? How do we stop being
bothered by other people’s opinions or require their approval? Well the answer,
in truth, is inside. The person searching for approval externally needs to
re-direct their gaze internally and search for the parts in themselves that are
not being approved of by them. One can do this by journaling, doing emotional
freedom tapping or contact the inner child through meditation. The journey to
uniting your fragments involves tracing the parts of you that are not approved
of. Once you find them, no matter how ugly they are you must intend to accept
and love these parts through your different ages. All the time you reject these
parts of self, they will have power over you. Once you accept them you can
integrate them and you will stop meeting people who represent these parts of
you. Once you start this work you will discover many vaulted memories and
possibly experience some extreme emotions. When these feelings do arise, sit with
them, feel them and allow them to be processed. Over time, one fragment, by
another fragment, the parts of self that have not been approved of are united.
In doing this you gain energy and a sense of self-power and love. Over time you
will arrive in a state of ‘no need.’ In that state you realise you have become.
In a state of being nothing wavers you and that is when you find true self-esteem.
This is when everything becomes possible. It is not an easy journey but one
worth taking to unite the fragments of self. Alternatively you can keep looking
externally, hand over your power to others to have them tell you that you are
okay… To me that sounds ridiculous when you can become your ultimate and
empowered self. Isn’t life about becoming the best you can be? To me that best
does not require permission from others to be your ultimate self.
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