Ruby Allure's Books

Ruby Allure's Books
Ruby Allure's Books

Monday, 30 March 2015

What Is True Self-esteem?

Self-esteem and true confidence.
Have you ever considered what gives a person true confidence and a sense of self-esteem? I am not talking about the type who have external bravado, where someone appears, instead the type of self-esteem I am referring to is where there is a certain glowing presence emanating from the person.  In fact these people ‘feel’ so present and unshakable. They are like the solid oak trees who feel so rooted in themselves and definite that nothing will phase or sway them.
The reason I have been thinking about the subject was a little while ago I had some very complex work that I had to complete with a mass of formulae and inter-linked calculations. It was so complex that I could barely explain how I had come to the final figures to my colleagues, let alone have anyone check what I had created. This took me into a state of uncertainty because it meant I had reverse everything that I had calculated to see if I returned to the origin. Again there was no one who could provide approval or tell me I had made the right calculation. Now that was it… that was the key word ‘approval’. For some reason I had a sense of doubt about what I had created and was searching for someone externally to approve of my calculations.
On the day when I had to hand in the calculations there was webinar all about confidence. While I reversed my calculations simultaneously and cross-checked I watched/listened intermittently to the webinar. It was quite profound because at one point I was staring at the figures and the woman being interviewed said ‘sometimes we just have to have confidence in what we have created and let it go.’ At times like that you wonder whether you are on a big brother show. Needless to say, I handed in the work but considered what true confidence and self-esteem really were. This took me on a series of tenuous thoughts about approval, where people search for approval and what happens when we don’t receive approval.  In truth, these thoughts haunted me. I observed people and their behaviours in attempt to work out who had self-esteem and who didn’t. I particularly liked bar observation in the ‘mating’ dynamics of who is attracted to whom; who is punching above their weight and what people do to gain attention? Bottoms hanging below skirt lines suggested low self-esteem along with bosoms that were directed to the ceiling. What made it most fascinating were the women who did not need to flaunt, instead carried a self-assured presence. ‘Something about them,’ magnetised people. It was the same with certain chaps, they had a stance and a sense of self-reliability – a definite presence. It was not false or manufactured.
In every case it was not about how they looked, it was about who they were. Think about it – we all have internal and external worlds. I talk about this a lot when I teach creative writing. The internal world is often completely different, almost the polarity of the external world. So many people expend huge amounts of energy appearing to be that which they are not whilst suppressing that which they are or don’t really like. Why don’t they like that part, their shadow? It is because at some point someone did not approve of it.
So with all these thoughts I wondered what a person would be like if they did not need other people to approve of them. How free would they be? Imagine you had a dream and you wanted to really make it happen yet you shared it with someone and they said it was rubbish. What would you do? Would you believe their opinion was right over yours? This is where true self-esteem comes in. You would not care what the other person thought. So that then made me ask the question – how do we arrive at that point? How do we stop being bothered by other people’s opinions or require their approval? Well the answer, in truth, is inside. The person searching for approval externally needs to re-direct their gaze internally and search for the parts in themselves that are not being approved of by them. One can do this by journaling, doing emotional freedom tapping or contact the inner child through meditation. The journey to uniting your fragments involves tracing the parts of you that are not approved of. Once you find them, no matter how ugly they are you must intend to accept and love these parts through your different ages. All the time you reject these parts of self, they will have power over you. Once you accept them you can integrate them and you will stop meeting people who represent these parts of you. Once you start this work you will discover many vaulted memories and possibly experience some extreme emotions. When these feelings do arise, sit with them, feel them and allow them to be processed. Over time, one fragment, by another fragment, the parts of self that have not been approved of are united. In doing this you gain energy and a sense of self-power and love. Over time you will arrive in a state of ‘no need.’ In that state you realise you have become. In a state of being nothing wavers you and that is when you find true self-esteem. This is when everything becomes possible. It is not an easy journey but one worth taking to unite the fragments of self. Alternatively you can keep looking externally, hand over your power to others to have them tell you that you are okay… To me that sounds ridiculous when you can become your ultimate and empowered self. Isn’t life about becoming the best you can be? To me that best does not require permission from others to be your ultimate self.
Oh and my great news: The Money Farm is going to be produced on audible and so is A Short Course In Creative Writing. In celebration of this fact the above Kindle version is on offer for £0.99 on

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