Ruby Allure's Books

Ruby Allure's Books
Ruby Allure's Books

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Love Hunt - Love Week Chapter 1



Dating Game series

Volume 1 

By Ruby Allure 

Copyright Ruby Allure 

 Real people, real events and hideously awkward situations made this book possible! All the names have been changed to conceal identities.


For the lovely ladies I worked with.  You asked me to put finger to keyboard and record my hideous dating escapades for your entertainment, well here they are!

Enjoy the comfort of coupledom because this is what you are missing!





The dream of marrying a rich man and living happily ever after is an ideal that many women aspire to. The ideal and the reality are somewhat different. My question is what would you really tolerate to be with a wealthy man? Why not make your own wealth?




Good morning Eva,

Okay it is time! I am over my ex and I have made a decision to meet a decent chap. One who is high quality, a gentleman and worth my time. So, since we are coming up to New Year I have drafted a tick list with the qualities I am looking for. My friend Olga told me to be specific. You know how I like to plan and to organise – so here it is. Tell me what you think – I would be interested in your very Russian and ‘glamorous’ point of view. Especially since you met a decent, intelligent and passionate chap! Your words were: ‘He is amazing and everything I ever dreamed of - just so sorted!’ Well that is amazing and rare too!


Pre-New Year resolution plan and tick list:

Intention: This year I will meet an educated, respectful man who has dealt with his ‘baggage’. He will be excited about the prospect of meeting an intelligent, tall and inspirational woman (me).

He must be/have:

o   Class/be a gentleman

o   Taller than me

o   Takes care of himself

o   No erroneous smells or bad breath. Must wash his undercarriage. (This is based on the flatulent date I went on)

o   Good oral and genital hygiene.

o   No obvious ear or nostril hair

o   Has own finances and own home. (Not six hundred thousand in debt like one of the ex’s)

o   Respectful. This is a biggy!

o   Passionate

o   Not depressed and over his ex

o   Available and not married!

o   About the same age

o   Intelligent and can hold good conversation

o   Amusing/humorous gets my jokes and finds them funny

o   Good hide the sausage technique

o   Not an emotional turd-fest!

o   NOT AN IDIOT!!!!


Other part of wish list:

o   Buy my ideal flat.

o   Pay off my car!

o   Make some money for nice holidays.

o   Spend more time in spas.

o   Get rich my own way/generate wealth. (Yes I know!)


Honest opinions welcome! Are you ready for a love hunt?

Kind regards



Good morning my dear,

Love hunt? Really? I am not too busy at work now. My manager is on other side of room listening to moaning woman about sore finger from too much typing. She has bandage on finger. We have been at work one hour... There is always a problem... She always needs sympathy.


The tick list from a glamorous blonde Russian point of view - I like this list but is it realistic? All men grow hair from lots of place on body. I am always surprised by the amount of toe hair growing on man’s big toe.


So is it English tradition to write tick-list for pre-New Year plan? In Russia we love New Year celebration, is very important to us. We drink the vodka and when wake up start new. No list – but fun vodka celebration memory! How it should be!


So this is list is for your resolution then? Oh no Gracie! What are you doing? I just realised you are being hyper-organised! Relationship should happen by magic not by making list!

If you must make a list then I have lots of question:

·         So how do you know if man hides sausage well?

·          Is this like a man with barbeque?

·         Is this like game of hide and seek?

·         And what is emotional turd-fest?

·          I do not know word ‘turd’ but I guess fest mean festival. Are we celebrating a turd festival? Or is it a band?


When I look at this list of demand, I come to big conclusion. I think that you need to go on quality man website – where wealthy men are looking for younger woman. That is where I met my man but PLEASE DO NOT TELL ANYONE! I no want people to know how I met good man... I like to keep it secret from all office-boring women in - how you say- dreary clothes with no glamour.


It is Friday... So might not be able to write too much today...

I think wealthy man website will be good for you. You can date wealthy man and learn all about how they make money. It will be good project for you too then dating has motivation. That way you will endure date to learn. You never do that. You last five minutes, stand up and tell them the date is shit. I remember many times when you walked off after five minutes. You need to learn to tolerate! I am very happy you are ready to date again. It will give us something very good to discuss during boring work hours! A LOVE HUNT!!!!!! Yipeeeeeee as you English say with straight face and no expression!

Talk soon Eva


Afternoon Eva,

Today is manic and Friday afternoon is upon us. Hurrah!!! Therefore, I agree with you - men have lots of hair on different parts of their body. However, I find myself staring at hair emerging from ears and nostrils the most. Sometimes I am caught staring at those eyebrows with unexpected hairs poking from them. What makes it worse is I link all the details up in my mind. I know it is superficial but I am a details person...


Hide the sausage is a code word for S** – we cannot use that word on email because the managers will have a read... I do not want them to know what we are up to either. Imagine them all gathering in that meeting room and discussing our S** lives. I wouldn’t be surprised because it beats boring metrics.


I showed Abdi my list to see if he knew anyone that fitted my strict criteria. He said that I needed to date God. He said there was no chance that a man existed with my listed qualities who was not a control freak or married to a super model. Thanks for that opinion Abdi!


Abdi is a little upset today. The office hotty has not noticed him for the last couple of days. He reckons it is because he is fat which makes him invisible. He has tried wowing her with his humour but she is not interested. She doesn’t even look up when she is typing. He asked me how to make her wife number two when nothing about him stimulates her. What makes it worse is that he discovered a month ago that he is close to four stone overweight. He thinks that is the major contributing factor to why the office hotty does not see him.  He says that when you are fat you blend into walls – your fat merges with everything until he enters a public place and gets stared at! I actually feel a bit sorry for him. He might be a cheeky shyte but he has a lovely face. Admittedly, the mad professor look with gravity defying hair and an untucked shirt is not going to cause the office hotty to tremble with lust. That is Abdi all over, sluggish, a bit depressed and in love with a boobi-lesque woman who does not show him the time of day. He has so much potential but he does not see it. I said it was better he remained a little plump to maintain his marriage. I can imagine if he lost weight he would become a complete menace to all of womankind! The trap of marriage stops a woman being a challenge or a hunt and life becomes dull. Imagine what would happen if he managed to get in shape and he returned to the hunt. He would evolve into a charmer, a player and probably a porn star!


After Abdi’s negative feedback, I showed Greg and Gary my list. Gary - mister I am all fit and toned from the gym, belly laughed at me whilst lionesque Greg patted me on the shoulder and shook his head. He then created a new dance in my honour – it is called ‘the Gracie is out there looking for a man dance.’ He and Abdi took a great deal of pleasure standing up every hour and breaking into the dance. They said it was necessary for the circulation.  The Gracie dance involved placing their hands behind their heads and gyrating their hips. They are now making a song called get out there Gracie and shake your thang, shake your thong until you get some shlong - but don’t shake so hard it falls off.  The chorus is shake your thang, shake your thong and shake his shlong.... Abdi keeps making bonking gestures with his hands over the desk divider. Why did I show them? It now seems that a team strategy is developing. If I keep my head down they might forget. God please let them all have mass amnesia! I think Greg has just emailed the manager who turned, studied me and tapped his nose with that cheeky look he gets when he is amused. The men here are such naughty boys! What’s more, they love winding me up! You have the office hotty and me for entertainment – the office time for a bit of a wind up. I don’t mind to be honest because I get to humiliate them back!


The other ladies in my office have noticed the sniggers and are peering at me over their screens. I can hear rapid typing which means they are discussing what I am up to... The men are more obvious and do stupid dances whilst the women sit and analyse. That is the thing with the married men surrounding me – they want to be out there doing it but instead live through me... I love their favourite lines – ‘Gracie if I wasn’t married I would be out there and all the woman would desperately lap dance me.’ Abdi reckons that his marriage aura has stopped women humping his leg. Of course women lined up to do that when he was single! I don’t think so! I am always amazed by the married delusions of singledom versus the reality. I am sure the whole team would hate having to endure dates!


Hello Gracie,

What does Abdi think that woman become s** starved dog as soon as he is single? Men must have dreams, but this one is most ridiculous yet! We are lucky that he is not single because we single women would all be chewing on bone to stop ourselves running at him naked. Sometimes men make me mad!



Hi Eva,

I don’t think you realised completely what you just said in that last email. I think that maybe you do not realise that a bone can reference a man’s hard sausage – you know – downstairs. So women chewing on a bone would actually be the best thing that Abdi could imagine! In fact, he probably spends fifty percent of his day imagining it.


Concerning my list, all the men have said that I am too fussy. Oh God, Greg and Abdi are comparing ear and nostril hair based on my list. They are working out a count of hairs per nostril against density. Oh and then they looked up strimmers on the net... I told them to buy a hedge strimmer to calm their explosive nasal growth... They have women with facial hair on one screen and facial hair solutions on the other... My manager seems intrigued by the commotion. Now he is wandering over...


Oh and finally, the word turd means shit. I use that word to describe those who are emotionally inept... I hope those definitions help. Right have to go home now because I have to discuss the plan with married friends. It will give them some entertainment and stop them talking about shitty nappies, projectile vomiting and singing bloody nursery rhymes.






Come on admit it - as much as we deny it - we ladies like a good love hunt.
We have tick lists, ideals, and we hunt in high-heeled packs. Of course, we're all hunting for that elusive right man who ticks every box and even has tidy nostril hair. Okay maybe not you, but you know other ladies who love the hunt.
Well, it's time for Eva and Gracie to love hunt, and their "targets" are rich men - the golden sperm. Such exciting escapades would provide the pair with entertaining discussions during their dull office hours - or so they thought. What they did not anticipate was the discovery of the "booby man"; humorous but very hard truths about wealth, themselves, power; and the phenomenon.
The question remains: can love really be hunted?



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