LOVE HUNT
Dating Game
Richidiot.com series
Volume 1
By Ruby Allure
Copyright Ruby Allure
Real people, real events and hideously
awkward situations made this book possible! All the names have been changed to
conceal identities.
For the lovely ladies I
worked with. You asked me to put finger
to keyboard and record my hideous dating escapades for your entertainment, well
here they are!
Enjoy the comfort of
coupledom because this is what you are missing!
CHAPTER 0
QUESTION:
The dream of marrying a
rich man and living happily ever after is an ideal that many women aspire to. The
ideal and the reality are somewhat different. My question is what would you
really tolerate to be with a wealthy man? Why
not make your own wealth?
CHAPTER 1
THE DECISION
Good morning
Eva,
Okay it is time!
I am over my ex and I have made a decision to meet a decent chap. One who is
high quality, a gentleman and worth my time. So, since we are coming up to New
Year I have drafted a tick list with the qualities I am looking for. My friend
Olga told me to be specific. You know how I like to plan and to organise – so
here it is. Tell me what you think – I would be interested in your very Russian
and ‘glamorous’ point of view. Especially since you met a decent, intelligent
and passionate chap! Your words were: ‘He is amazing and everything I ever
dreamed of - just so sorted!’ Well that is amazing and rare too!
Pre-New Year
resolution plan and tick list:
Intention: This
year I will meet an educated, respectful man who has dealt with his ‘baggage’.
He will be excited about the prospect of meeting an intelligent, tall and
inspirational woman (me).
He must
be/have:
o
Class/be
a gentleman
o
Taller
than me
o
Takes
care of himself
o
No
erroneous smells or bad breath. Must wash his undercarriage. (This is based on
the flatulent date I went on)
o
Good
oral and genital hygiene.
o
No
obvious ear or nostril hair
o
Has
own finances and own home. (Not six hundred thousand in debt like one of the
ex’s)
o
Respectful.
This is a biggy!
o
Passionate
o
Not
depressed and over his ex
o
Available
and not married!
o
About
the same age
o
Intelligent
and can hold good conversation
o
Amusing/humorous
gets my jokes and finds them funny
o
Good
hide the sausage technique
o
Not
an emotional turd-fest!
o
NOT
AN IDIOT!!!!
Other
part of wish list:
o
Buy
my ideal flat.
o
Pay
off my car!
o
Make
some money for nice holidays.
o
Spend
more time in spas.
o
Get
rich my own way/generate wealth. (Yes I know!)
Honest opinions
welcome! Are you ready for a love hunt?
Kind regards
Gracie
Good morning my dear,
Love hunt? Really? I am not too busy at
work now. My manager is on other side of room listening to moaning woman about
sore finger from too much typing. She has bandage on finger. We have been at
work one hour... There is always a problem... She always needs sympathy.
The tick list from a glamorous blonde
Russian point of view - I like this list but is it realistic? All men grow hair
from lots of place on body. I am always surprised by the amount of toe hair growing
on man’s big toe.
So is it English tradition to write
tick-list for pre-New Year plan? In Russia we love New Year celebration, is
very important to us. We drink the vodka and when wake up start new. No list –
but fun vodka celebration memory! How it should be!
So this is list is for your resolution then?
Oh no Gracie! What are you doing? I just realised you are being
hyper-organised! Relationship should happen by magic not by making list!
If you must make a list then I have lots
of question:
·
So how do you know if man hides sausage
well?
·
Is this like a man with barbeque?
·
Is this like game of hide and seek?
·
And what is emotional turd-fest?
·
I
do not know word ‘turd’ but I guess fest mean festival. Are we celebrating a
turd festival? Or is it a band?
When I look at this list of demand, I
come to big conclusion. I think that you need to go on quality man website –
where wealthy men are looking for younger woman. That is where I met my man but
PLEASE DO NOT TELL ANYONE! I no want people to know how I met good man... I
like to keep it secret from all office-boring women in - how you say- dreary
clothes with no glamour.
It is Friday... So might not be able to
write too much today...
I think wealthy man website will be good
for you. You can date wealthy man and learn all about how they make money. It
will be good project for you too then dating has motivation. That way you will
endure date to learn. You never do that. You last five minutes, stand up and
tell them the date is shit. I remember many times when you walked off after
five minutes. You need to learn to tolerate! I am very happy you are ready to
date again. It will give us something very good to discuss during boring work
hours! A LOVE HUNT!!!!!! Yipeeeeeee as you English say with straight face and
no expression!
Talk soon Eva
Afternoon Eva,
Today is manic
and Friday afternoon is upon us. Hurrah!!! Therefore, I agree with you - men
have lots of hair on different parts of their body. However, I find myself
staring at hair emerging from ears and nostrils the most. Sometimes I am caught
staring at those eyebrows with unexpected hairs poking from them. What makes it
worse is I link all the details up in my mind. I know it is superficial but I
am a details person...
Hide the
sausage is a code word for S** – we cannot use that word on email because the managers
will have a read... I do not want them to know what we are up to either. Imagine
them all gathering in that meeting room and discussing our S** lives. I
wouldn’t be surprised because it beats boring metrics.
I showed Abdi
my list to see if he knew anyone that fitted my strict criteria. He said that I
needed to date God. He said there was no chance that a man existed with my
listed qualities who was not a control freak or married to a super model.
Thanks for that opinion Abdi!
Abdi is a
little upset today. The office hotty has not noticed him for the last couple of
days. He reckons it is because he is fat which makes him invisible. He has
tried wowing her with his humour but she is not interested. She doesn’t even
look up when she is typing. He asked me how to make her wife number two when
nothing about him stimulates her. What makes it worse is that he discovered a
month ago that he is close to four stone overweight. He thinks that is the
major contributing factor to why the office hotty does not see him. He says that when you are fat you blend into
walls – your fat merges with everything until he enters a public place and gets
stared at! I actually feel a bit sorry for him. He might be a cheeky shyte but
he has a lovely face. Admittedly, the mad professor look with gravity defying
hair and an untucked shirt is not going to cause the office hotty to tremble
with lust. That is Abdi all over, sluggish, a bit depressed and in love with a boobi-lesque
woman who does not show him the time of day. He has so much potential but he does
not see it. I said it was better he remained a little plump to maintain his
marriage. I can imagine if he lost weight he would become a complete menace to
all of womankind! The trap of marriage stops a woman being a challenge or a
hunt and life becomes dull. Imagine what would happen if he managed to get in
shape and he returned to the hunt. He would evolve into a charmer, a player and
probably a porn star!
After Abdi’s
negative feedback, I showed Greg and Gary my list. Gary - mister I am all fit
and toned from the gym, belly laughed at me whilst lionesque Greg patted me on
the shoulder and shook his head. He then created a new dance in my honour – it
is called ‘the Gracie is out there looking for a man dance.’ He and Abdi took a
great deal of pleasure standing up every hour and breaking into the dance. They
said it was necessary for the circulation. The Gracie dance involved placing their hands
behind their heads and gyrating their hips. They are now making a song called
get out there Gracie and shake your thang, shake your thong until you get some shlong
- but don’t shake so hard it falls off.
The chorus is shake your thang, shake your thong and shake his
shlong.... Abdi keeps making bonking gestures with his hands over the desk
divider. Why did I show them? It now seems that a team strategy is developing.
If I keep my head down they might forget. God please let them all have mass
amnesia! I think Greg has just emailed the manager who turned, studied me and
tapped his nose with that cheeky look he gets when he is amused. The men here
are such naughty boys! What’s more, they love winding me up! You have the
office hotty and me for entertainment – the office time for a bit of a wind up.
I don’t mind to be honest because I get to humiliate them back!
The other
ladies in my office have noticed the sniggers and are peering at me over their
screens. I can hear rapid typing which means they are discussing what I am up
to... The men are more obvious and do stupid dances whilst the women sit and
analyse. That is the thing with the married men surrounding me – they want to
be out there doing it but instead live through me... I love their favourite
lines – ‘Gracie if I wasn’t married I would be out there and all the woman
would desperately lap dance me.’ Abdi reckons that his marriage aura has
stopped women humping his leg. Of course women lined up to do that when he was
single! I don’t think so! I am always amazed by the married delusions of
singledom versus the reality. I am sure the whole team would hate having to
endure dates!
Hello Gracie,
What does Abdi think that woman become
s** starved dog as soon as he is single? Men must have dreams, but this one is
most ridiculous yet! We are lucky that he is not single because we single women
would all be chewing on bone to stop ourselves running at him naked. Sometimes
men make me mad!
Eva
Hi Eva,
I don’t think
you realised completely what you just said in that last email. I think that
maybe you do not realise that a bone can reference a man’s hard sausage – you
know – downstairs. So women chewing on a bone would actually be the best thing
that Abdi could imagine! In fact, he probably spends fifty percent of his day
imagining it.
Concerning my
list, all the men have said that I am too fussy. Oh God, Greg and Abdi are
comparing ear and nostril hair based on my list. They are working out a count
of hairs per nostril against density. Oh and then they looked up strimmers on
the net... I told them to buy a hedge strimmer to calm their explosive nasal growth...
They have women with facial hair on one screen and facial hair solutions on the
other... My manager seems intrigued by the commotion. Now he is wandering
over...
Oh and finally,
the word turd means shit. I use that word to describe those who are emotionally
inept... I hope those definitions help. Right have to go home now because I
have to discuss the plan with married friends. It will give them some
entertainment and stop them talking about shitty nappies, projectile vomiting
and singing bloody nursery rhymes.
Gracie
LINKS to LOVE HUNT in Audio
Come on admit it - as much as we deny it - we ladies like a good love hunt.
We have tick lists, ideals, and we hunt in high-heeled packs. Of course, we're all hunting for that elusive right man who ticks every box and even has tidy nostril hair. Okay maybe not you, but you know other ladies who love the hunt.
Well, it's time for Eva and Gracie to love hunt, and their "targets" are rich men - the golden sperm. Such exciting escapades would provide the pair with entertaining discussions during their dull office hours - or so they thought. What they did not anticipate was the discovery of the "booby man"; humorous but very hard truths about wealth, themselves, power; and the RichIdiot.com phenomenon.
The question remains: can love really be hunted?
TO LISTEN - SOUND CLOUD https://soundcloud.com/ruby-allure/lovehunt1-sample
CHAPTER 1 ON SOUND CLOUD http://www.audible.com/pd/Fiction/Love-Hunt-Dating-Game-Audiobook/B015G4ICYA/ref=a_search_c4_1_2_srTtl?qid=1442774344&sr=1-2
LINK TO THE PAPERBACK:
Link: http://amzn.com/151727088X
