What Is True Self-esteem?

Self-esteem and true confidence.

Have you ever considered what gives a person true confidence and a sense of self-esteem? I am not talking about the type who have external bravado, where someone appears, instead the type of self-esteem I am referring to is where there is a certain glowing presence emanating from the person.  In fact these people ‘feel’ so present and unshakable. They are like the solid oak trees who feel so rooted in themselves and definite that nothing will phase or sway them.

The reason I have been thinking about the subject was a little while ago I had some very complex work that I had to complete with a mass of formulae and inter-linked calculations. It was so complex that I could barely explain how I had come to the final figures to my colleagues, let alone have anyone check what I had created. This took me into a state of uncertainty because it meant I had reverse everything that I had calculated to see if I returned to the origin. Again there was no one who could provide approval or tell me I had made the right calculation. Now that was it… that was the key word ‘approval’. For some reason I had a sense of doubt about what I had created and was searching for someone externally to approve of my calculations.

On the day when I had to hand in the calculations there was webinar all about confidence. While I reversed my calculations simultaneously and cross-checked I watched/listened intermittently to the webinar. It was quite profound because at one point I was staring at the figures and the woman being interviewed said ‘sometimes we just have to have confidence in what we have created and let it go.’ At times like that you wonder whether you are on a big brother show. Needless to say, I handed in the work but considered what true confidence and self-esteem really were. This took me on a series of tenuous thoughts about approval, where people search for approval and what happens when we don’t receive approval.  In truth, these thoughts haunted me. I observed people and their behaviours in attempt to work out who had self-esteem and who didn’t. I particularly liked bar observation in the ‘mating’ dynamics of who is attracted to whom; who is punching above their weight and what people do to gain attention? Bottoms hanging below skirt lines suggested low self-esteem along with bosoms that were directed to the ceiling. What made it most fascinating were the women who did not need to flaunt, instead carried a self-assured presence. ‘Something about them,’ magnetised people. It was the same with certain chaps, they had a stance and a sense of self-reliability – a definite presence. It was not false or manufactured.

In every case it was not about how they looked, it was about who they were. Think about it – we all have internal and external worlds. I talk about this a lot when I teach creative writing. The internal world is often completely different, almost the polarity of the external world. So many people expend huge amounts of energy appearing to be that which they are not whilst suppressing that which they are or don’t really like. Why don’t they like that part, their shadow? It is because at some point someone did not approve of it.

So with all these thoughts I wondered what a person would be like if they did not need other people to approve of them. How free would they be? Imagine you had a dream and you wanted to really make it happen yet you shared it with someone and they said it was rubbish. What would you do? Would you believe their opinion was right over yours? This is where true self-esteem comes in. You would not care what the other person thought. So that then made me ask the question – how do we arrive at that point? How do we stop being bothered by other people’s opinions or require their approval? Well the answer, in truth, is inside. The person searching for approval externally needs to re-direct their gaze internally and search for the parts in themselves that are not being approved of by them. One can do this by journaling, doing emotional freedom tapping or contact the inner child through meditation. The journey to uniting your fragments involves tracing the parts of you that are not approved of. Once you find them, no matter how ugly they are you must intend to accept and love these parts through your different ages. All the time you reject these parts of self, they will have power over you. Once you accept them you can integrate them and you will stop meeting people who represent these parts of you. Once you start this work you will discover many vaulted memories and possibly experience some extreme emotions. When these feelings do arise, sit with them, feel them and allow them to be processed. Over time, one fragment, by another fragment, the parts of self that have not been approved of are united. In doing this you gain energy and a sense of self-power and love. Over time you will arrive in a state of ‘no need.’ In that state you realise you have become. In a state of being nothing wavers you and that is when you find true self-esteem. This is when everything becomes possible. It is not an easy journey but one worth taking to unite the fragments of self. Alternatively you can keep looking externally, hand over your power to others to have them tell you that you are okay… To me that sounds ridiculous when you can become your ultimate and empowered self. Isn’t life about becoming the best you can be? To me that best does not require permission from others to be your ultimate self.

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Oh and my great news: The Money Farm is going to be produced on audible and so is A Short Course In Creative Writing. In celebration of this fact the above Kindle version is on offer for £0.99 on amazon.co.uk http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00TZWLRL0

 

 

 

To confront or not to confront...

Imagine you have paid a sizable sum for a ticket to a concert that you have wanted to see for ages. You sit in your seat listening to the music and really enjoying the spectacle and then it happens...  An older couple come in late and disrupt everyone as they take the seats directly behind you. First of all they do not even look like they have arrived at the right concert. Once they have settled they then proceed to moan. What's more, they talk so loudly that everyone in the area is aggravated by them. What do you do?

This happened to me and my friend last night. For a little while I fought myself. I am always the one who says what needs to be said. I understood this pair were unaware of how loudly they were talking; however, I really didn't care that the old woman really liked Julie and that they needed to pick up some cabbage for coleslaw. In truth the lack of awareness and consideration made me bristle. I glanced around to see how the rest of the nearby audience were reacting. You know what? They were aggravated but said nothing. The mental argument went something like this 'right I am aggravated now...'
‘Leave it, they are unaware and you don’t want to get into an argument. Plus someone else should say something.’

This mental argument went on and on and their chatting grew louder. Finally I turned around and asked them to make an effort to talk quietly. I was polite and firm. Their response amazed me as they attempted to justify talking through a concert. Admittedly they did quieten down; however, the husband wanted to take it further and said ‘what is wrong with me talking to my wife?.’

Answer: we have not paid money to hear about cabbage and how nice Julie is. (There were sniggers around the area) You have plenty of chance to talk to your wife elsewhere. Now I suggest you show some respect and allow everyone here to enjoy the concert or leave. There were a few here here’s from the surrounding group. The thing is I could feel the man’s anger. When it came to the interval he stood up in an attempt to intimidate me. Which is ridiculous since I am close to six foot and compete at rowing. So I stood up and was half a foot taller. I realised in that moment there was a divine comedy taking place. I was a woman confronting an older man in a public place in a polite and feminine way. Yet the man had to become aggressive. In addition, the music playing was all about conformity and rebellion. So this is it… and it made me think about people and characteristics. Is confrontation down to confidence? Why do so many people avoid confrontation? I feel that it was well within my rights to ask the couple to be quiet. Yet why couldn’t he accept that he was ruining other people’s experience? This made me think about unawareness and how unaware some people are of themselves and others. In some ways it fascinated me because the couple were classical stereotypes and their behaviour could be anticipated. In terms of writing and character – how the character confronts or avoids confrontation reveals a lot about them. So with that in mind…  Would you have confronted or accepted the situation? What would have been the best way to resolve the situation?

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Self-awareness and perceptions of self.

Self-awareness and perceptions of self.

Have you ever thought ‘this person seems to think I completely different to who I am?’

Or have you ever been grouped with people who are ‘said’ to have the same characteristics as you?

Well this is what happened to me. I was psychometrically tested and joined with a group who were supposed to be like me. Imagine, you do a test and are placed with people just like you – or are supposed to be just like you? Do you think that you would like them? What do you think they would be like to work with? Are you more likely to consider their good traits or find their faults? If you are noticing them, they will be noticing these in same qualities in you. So, I looked at this group of individuals who were highly ambitious, focused, motivated, competitive and leaders and thought ‘my goodness’ do I really come across like this? I looked across the room at the ‘the nice friendly section’ – the people who were reliable, methodical people who were loyal and nice. I liked that group best and wanted to wander across the room and hang out with them rather than with a group of leaders who were trying to out-lead each other.

The next group were introverts who simply got on with work, they did not need recognition. They were perfectionist who simply produced what was needed. They were slower but did things well. They were the ants that built the ant farm. I liked these people too. They got on with things. There was no competition, they could be utilised to their best ability to build and progress projects. Once you had set them on a course or a project they would continue until completion. Brilliant.

The final group were the detail group. Who asked endless questions.  They are the type that go through everything with a fine-tooth comb and again are quite introverted and take an enormous amount of time to make sure everything is absolutely correct. They often lack confidence to let a piece of work go because they need to check and re-check to make sure it is right.

After this grouping took place, I wondered how many people were truly aware of themselves and how they came across in general. Sometimes we are not aware of how we come across or how people see us until someone gets us complete wrong (according to our self-perception). We think we are a type inside, yet our actions and behaviours can be interpreted in other ways.

So the question – how can we be truly aware of ourselves?

Try this:

Write down the qualities that you really like in people.

Now write the qualities you dislike.

What is it that you like about each quality and what you don’t like?

Who do the qualities remind you of?

The parts that you don’t like in others – why is that?

This is quite a shocking process to realise the things you like in others are often the parts you like about yourself and the same with the parts you dislike. Now this is where it becomes a little more complex. We can only know in others what we know of ourselves. The parts of ourselves that we don’t know will be invisible in others because we have not recognised those parts… Think about it. We can’t know what we don’t know. So this is why I believe that people can get people so wrong. They use others as a mirror to themselves and sometimes see themselves in others. What I realised is that one never needs to take people’s interpretations personally because they are simply seeing themselves. Now with this in mind, have you noticed in your friendship group that you have different friends that bring out different aspects of you? Well I believe there is reason for this too. Having a variety of friends with different qualities enables you to know and see more of yourself.

So… if ultimately the goal is to really know yourself then how do we do this?

A big question – yet one of the most effective way is to journal and consider the three selves.

Try a bit of automatic writing, this is where you write fast without conscious thought. You take the question and simply write.

Write rapidly the answer to this: Who am I as my ultimate self? What would I be doing if I lived without limitation?

Who am I with my current self?  What is my usual approach to life?

Who am I as my most frightened self? What do I stop myself doing through fear?

These are big questions and will take time to digest. This little exercise will provide quite an insight into how removed we can be from our ultimate self and how we hinder ourselves through fear and take the middle road rather than take the risk and aspire to be the ultimate self.

 

Link: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B008Y65FWU